The Truth Behind the Photos
Life has officially taken over and I know it’s been a hot minute since I wrote down anything of length, so I thought I would take the time to connect with you all. I figured, what better way to start back up on my blog then to discuss this picture that I posted on my Instagram the other day.
The picture on the left came up on my timeline the other day and I felt compelled to share the hard truth behind this “cute/sexy” halloween costume. First off, I had completely fallen for a guy and desperately wanted him to notice me. I knew that he would be attending the same annual Halloween party as I would be and September 14th 2015 I relapsed with my ED. What initially started out as mild restriction VERY quickly feel into full blown relapse and intense food restriction. I spiralled to the point that I no longer had the energy to even workout, I could barely get out of bed to go to class most days.
The picture on the left is what starvation looks like on me. It’s what damage to my stomach lining due to acid erosion and lack of food looks like on me. It’s what saving my only meal of 160 calories until 9pm that night so I would have the strength to go out looks like on me. It is what anorexia looks like on me.
The thing is, this is incredibly different then how Ana appears on many others. I went untreated with my eating disorder many times because I didn’t look sick to anyone. Instead of people realizing I was sick, I received so many compliments about how much healthier I looked, how much prettier I was, how much better off I was. In reality, I felt dead inside and I felt like a waste of space, no amount of weight loss was good enough, I wasn’t good enough. THAT IS NOT OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY.
It took some time but I got help, I worked to heal my body and my mind. I still struggle with negative thoughts some days, and I still have moments where I look in the mirror and have to fight off the cruel thoughts and the ED voice. It is a lifelong journey but I am finally truly healthy and I am finally happy with myself. Not because of my weight, but because of my strength and capabilities.
The picture on the right is what healthy looks like on me, it’s what fuelling my body with nourishing foods looks like on me, it’s what self love and happiness looks like on ME, and it’s what carbing up for some heavy ass lifts looks like on me. This is what recovery looks like on me. I will keep training for strength and athletic performance, nourishing my body, living my life to the fullest, and pushing the boundaries. My strength comes from my struggle but I will never let others hurt me the way they once did, and that includes no longer hurting myself – body, mind, spirit – the way I once did.
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING PLEASE REACH OUT TO A LOVED ONE, A TEACHER, A DOCTOR, ANYONE FOR HELP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE CAN ALL GET BETTER TOGETHER